Don't Cha Wish Your Doctor Was Hot Like Me?
by Suteruben
Summary: If you ever envisioned Law as a doctor-themed stripper dancing to 'Dont Cha' by The Pussycat Dolls, well, then this may be the short for you. An April Fools' Day prank-chapter for my other story: "A Brush With Death," but no knowledge of it is needed to enjoy this as a one-shot. Starts off looking like a serious update but quickly descends into utter crack. Smutty humour, LawxOC.
1. Don't Cha?

**Disclaimer:** The lyrics used are based on "The Pussycat Dolls - Don't Cha," owned and copyrighted by A&M and Interscope records.

I claim no ownership, have credited the original artists, have made the copyright owners of the song clear, make no profit from this, write only for entertainment purposes and have made use of the song's lyrics in a **parody** manner (i.e.: the lyrics were altered for comedic use and this is protected by **'** **Fair Use** **'** policy).

* * *

Reaching the first floor landing and walking down the hallway towards Law's quarters, Nayla wondered why it seemed to be so eerily quiet today. Aside from the chefs in the galley and herself, she hadn't heard a peep from anyone else since helping to clean up after breakfast.

The hallways were deserted and the vessel was damn near silent, apart from the sounds of the waves hitting its side and the creaks of its woods and metals as it gently swayed on them.

Although she'd expected the majority of the crew to be enjoying their time ashore, it just didn't make sense that there weren't more people around tending to their daily duties aboard the sub.

Just as she was beginning to wonder where everyone had gotten to, she looked up as she heard a door ahead of her open.

"Oh, Nayla-chan, there you are. I was just coming to find you." Shachi greeted brightly.

"Really? How come?" She returned his wide grin, hoping he'd been on his way to get her for something fun to do today.

"Captain wants to see you."

Nayla felt her smile immediately falter at that and at the fact Shachi was now ushering her into the room he'd just left, the one beside the main infirmary; Theatre 1. There was absolutely no positive reason that Law would want her in his surgical theatre for. Nothing good would come out of this at all.

"Um…well I was just coming up to use the bathroom actually. Jake's pretty busy down in the galley, he's expecting me back to help in a few minutes, so I'll ju-"

Seeing her begin to back away, Shachi immediately dashed out of the doorway, grabbing her wrist to halt her retreat. "Oh no you don't, this comes first. Captain has something special planned for you."

"…That's not reassuring." She mumbled, half-heartedly trying to tug herself from his hold as he dragged her back towards the room.

"Nah, don't say that. You'll love it!" He beamed over his shoulder at her…and here she thought only Law's grin could be this unsettling.

Mutely following him in, Nayla noticed how dark it was inside, especially when he turned and blocked out the illumination coming in from the hallway as he closed the door behind her.

All the blinds had been drawn and all the lights were off except for the bright, circular, adjustable overhead ones above the operating tables but they were all currently directed at the central one in the middle of the room, almost like a spotlight.

Squinting into the darkness of the edges of the theatre for a certain pirate captain that apparently wanted a word with her; she turned around in alarm as she heard Shachi lock the door. Trying not to reach the sinister answer to her own question of why an operating room would need a lock in the first place when she morosely reminded herself of Law's morbid 'Surgeon of Death' epithet.

"Don't look so nervous, Nayla-chan. Trust me, you'll enjoy this." He grinned, resting a reassuring hand to her shoulder before walking past her into the darkness at the back of the room.

She wasn't so sure. Trying to follow him visually as he disappeared into the pitch black, her attention shifted to Law as he finally made his presence known.

Striding out into the middle of the room silently, a neutral expression on his face, he stood beneath the makeshift spotlight of his theatre's operating equipment and leant his weight against the edge of the surgical table behind him.

He looked different today. His attire was much smarter and more formal than she was used to seeing him in. Dark grey slacks, a black leather belt, a black dress shirt – unbuttoned just enough to allow the top of his tattoos to begin peering over it, a traditional, white doctor's coat, his stethoscope around his neck and a distinct lack of his beloved fluffy, white hat.

Crossing his arms, he eyed her expectantly, as if waiting for her to do something.

About to open her mouth to ask what was going on, Nayla heard the hushed whisper of Penguin coming from the darkness at the back of the room Shachi had just disappeared into. "It's in the wrong way!"

"Shh! It isn't, you're just pressing the wrong button. See?"

Rolling his eyes at his crewmembers' antics, Law stood straight as the two behind him seemed to succeed in turning on whatever device it was that they were apparently fiddling with back there with an audible click of a button.

Furrowing her brows in confusion as an old, overly familiar and catchy tune began to play loudly; Nayla looked at Law as he began moving towards her and to her surprise, began singing.

 _"I know you like me."_

 _("We know you like him.")_ She turned her shocked gaze towards the darkness when she heard the backup vocals of Penguin and Shachi but still couldn't see them.

 _"I know you do."_

 _("We know you do.")_

"Wait…is this The Pussycat Dolls?!" She whipped her head back to Law as he approached her.

 _"That's why whenever I come around, I'm all over you."_

 _("He's all over you.")_

"Oh my God…It is, you just changed the lyrics a little." She confirmed in disbelief, closing her eyes with a facepalm only to have Law remove her hand and tug her towards him, bumping her into his chest.

 _"I know you want it."_

She narrowed her eyes up at him at the husky dip his voice had taken and the free arm he had snaked around her back.

 _("We know you want it.")_

The feel of the reverberation in his chest against hers as he sang and the smoothness of his singing voice were both far more pleasant then she'd like to admit.

 _"It's easy to see."_

The blush on her cheeks was definitely just mortification, it had nothing to do with his hold, the devious look in his eyes or the way he'd released her hand to tilt her chin up and bring her face close to his.

 _("It's easy to see.")_

Opening her mouth to angrily object to the whole thing, she abruptly shut it as he leant his lips closely to her own, not wanting the parting of hers to be mistaken for an invitation.

 _"In the back of your mind, you know, you should be on top of me."_

Gaping a little at the explicit lyrical edit, she watched as he abruptly released her and backed up a few steps as Penguin and Shachi emerged from the dark edges of the room. Appearing behind him on either side as they sang the chorus in unison with their captain.

 _"Don't cha wish your doctor was hot like me?"_

If she hadn't been so stunned by the trio beginning their synchronised choreography, Nayla would have liked to have rolled her eyes at that and at the smug smirk that took to Law's lips between his singing.

 _"Don't cha wish your doctor was a freak like me?"_

She felt her jaw drop as Penguin and Shachi unzipped their boilersuits down all the way in one fluid motion, peeling the arms off as Law did the same with the sleeves of his white coat.

 _"Don't cha?"_

Oh, wow…that was a _very_ inappropriate hip gyration as Law tossed his jacket to the floor. Penguin and Shachi's muscled torsos in motion gained her attention briefly as they danced behind him, sleeves swaying loose from the waists of their boilersuits.

 _"Don't cha?"_

Law caught her eye contact as he began undoing his shirt buttons, hips still moving in time to the music.

" _Don't cha wish your doctor was raw like me?"_

He worked his way down, exposing his tattooed chest as he slowly made his way towards her again.

 _"Don't cha wish your doctor was fun like me?"_

As he began slipping his unbuttoned top over his shoulders, Nayla's eyes were drawn to the tribal hearts on them as they were revealed.

 _"Don't cha?"_

Law allowed his sleeves to glide down his muscled arms the rest of the way.

 _"Don't cha?"_

Abruptly yanking his tucked shirt from his waistband, he tossed the black fabric carelessly to the floor behind her, though her attention was firmly focused on his fully revealed, undulating six pack.

 _"You can't fight the feeling."_

Nayla felt her hands rise up to her burning cheeks, taking a step back as she watched Law beginning to unbuckle his belt.

 _("Can't fight the feeling.")_

Smirking at her shy retreat, his hands left the black leather, reaching up for the stethoscope still slung around his neck.

 _"You can't leave me alone."_

Quickly looping it over the back of hers, he tugged her close, making her bump into the bare, hot skin of his naked chest.

 _("Can't leave him alone.")_

He pulled her with him as he moved backwards towards the operating table.

 _"Really should, don't you know, I steal hearts, a sadist to the bone."_

Swivelling her around, he pushed her back to the edge of it gently, leaving the stethoscope to hang over her collarbones as he placed his hands on either side of the surface behind her.

 _("Sadist to the bone.")_

Law pressed his body against hers, his features silhouetted under the spotlight as he towered over her and captured her gaze.

 _"I'll show you no mercy."_

There was no mistaking the smouldering lust in his grey gaze as he sang his dark promise, leaning his face close to hers.

 _("Show you no mercy.")_

Tilting his head, he made her tense as she felt him brush against her jaw line gently with his lips as he sang.

 _"Don't expect I'll play fair."_

Placing her hands onto his chest with wide eyes as she felt his lips travel to her ear, she blushed even more heavily at the intimate position and contact in front of the other two men in the room.

 _("Don't expect he'll play fair.")_

Earning a jolt from her when he playfully nipped her skin and slid his hands onto her lower back beneath the hem of her top, he smiled against her ear.

 _"You'll be mine, heart, body and soul, under my medicare."_

Enjoying the sight of the flush across her face and her rapid breathing, he pulled away from her to step back between Penguin and Shachi for the chorus.

 _"Don't cha wish your doctor was hot like me?"_

Law placed his hands back to the buckle of his half-undone belt, enjoying her struggle to keep her eyes above his waistline as he swiftly pulled the strip of black leather from his pants, grinding his hips in time to the music.

 _"Don't cha wish your doctor was a freak like me?"_

Managing to successfully pull her gaze from him entirely and look to the side, Law immediately drew her attention back with the resounding crack of leather on leather as he suggestively snapped his folded belt in emphasis of the 'freak' lyric.

 _"Don't cha?"_

He tossed it to the floor, moving his hands to the top button of his slacks and beginning to undo them. Fighting the urge to lick her lips by biting them as he began to tauntingly slowly unzip his pants, Nayla tried focusing on Penguin and Shachi dancing behind him instead.

 _"Don't cha?"_

She was finding the slight sheen of sweat on their naked torsos as they moved made no more of a decent show than the provocative one their captain was giving and she'd been so focused on him that she hadn't even noticed that they'd picked up the over-sized syringe props they were now sporting.

 _"Don't cha wish your doctor was raw like me?"_

Law slipped a thumb under his waistband.

 _"Don't cha wish your doctor was fun like me?"_

He slipped his other underneath it too, digging them deeply under the loose fabric and pushing down to reveal more of his boxers beneath.

 _"Don't cha?"_

All three of them suddenly gripped the fabric over their thighs, making her gasp aloud as they yanked their tear-away pants off and threw them aside.

 _"Don't cha?"_

She slapped a hand to her mouth in shock as Penguin and Shachi pressed the plungers of their over-sized syringe props to their crotches with suggestive thrusts. The act eliciting jets of whatever the fluid was inside of them – hopefully water, to fly in graceful arcs as a backdrop to their captain's performance.

Snapped from her trance by the overly erotic display, Nayla stood straight, stalking over to the door in a hurry. "Oh that's it, I am out-OUT!"

Missing his cue to sing over the music, Law grinned at her as she stormed past, shielding her face from him. Unsure if she were trying to hide what was no doubt an impressively escalated blush or if she were trying her best not to look at him and his men in their underwear. Probably both.

"But we still have another verse for you, Nayla-ya." He taunted after her as she reached the door and fumbled for the lock in the dark and in her flustered eagerness to leave.

"No. Every kind of holy _fucking_ no!"

Jumping as she felt his chest suddenly pressed against her back and his arm wrap around her, she watched him place his hand over hers and guide it to the lock, helping her to calmly twist it open.

"Hmm that's a shame, did you at least enjoy the part of the show that you _did_ see?" He purred into her ear.

Yanking the door open harshly, she stepped back into the hallway, moving her hand to shade her eyes as she turned around to face him, trying her best not to look at his near-naked body and focus on his lower legs instead. "NO. I have NO idea what the fuck kinda drugs you guys did today – fucking _crack_ or something - but no."

Leaning against the door frame and giving her a lopsided smile as she abruptly turned and began making her escape down the corridor, he called after her. "Would you like to keep my stethoscope as a souvenir, Nayla-ya?"

Watching her footsteps falter as she looked down at the forgotten thing still draped around her neck, she all but ripped it off, slamming it ungracefully to the wooden floor at his feet before she made her way to the staircase as quickly as she could.

Chuckling as he picked it up, Law listened to her curses of him, 'dirty doctors' and 'perverted pirates' get gradually quieter as she made her way back down the stairs and out of sight.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** One-shot inspired by chapter 46 of my other story; "A Brush With Death" and used as an April Fools' upload. Removed this update from it so as not to interrupt the flow of that fic chapter to chapter but just felt it'd be a shame to delete it completely.

 **If you've never heard Law singing as himself then you have two songs you should check out for fun; "Dr. Heartstealer" and "Lost in Shinsekai,"** both available on YouTube with English translation subs. The Japanese voice actor did a really amazing job on those, he's not a bad singer either.


	2. You Can Leave Your Hat On

**Disclaimer:** The lyrics used are based on "You Can Leave Your Hat On," written by Randy Newman, owned and copyrighted by Reprise records.

I claim no ownership, have credited the original artists, have made the copyright owners of the song clear, make no profit from this, write only for entertainment purposes and have made use of the song's lyrics in a **parody** manner (i.e.: the lyrics were altered for comedic use and this is protected by **'** **Fair Use** **'** policy).

* * *

It was eerily quiet on the upper levels of the sub that day. Too quiet. No crewmembers traversing the top staircases, enjoying the fresh air on deck as they sailed the surface. No one on duty keeping the upper levels clean. No one performing their ritualistic daily maintenance check of the equipment up here. Certainly no Law lurking up here within his usual domains.

Reaching the first floor landing with a quiet, tentative step, Nayla had a bad feeling about this. A really bad feeling about this. It felt like there was something sour in her stomach. Butterflies fluttered frantically in it, something twisted her gut uncomfortably. She had an unshakeable sense of foreboding, dread, intuition…Something was very, very off and even more alarmingly, very, very familiar about this scenario. This had happened before.

Practically yelping in her shock as she felt a heavy hand fall onto her shoulder, she jumped out of her skin, whirring around to face her would-be attacker only to immediately yell at him for startling her. "Shachi! You scared the hell out of me!"

Brows rising as she slapped a hand over her rapidly beating heart, Shachi lifted his from her. "Wow, sorry. You're so jumpy, are you ok?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine, just a little…Yeah." She managed out, looking up and down the vacant hallway.

Humming unsurely, he looked her over with concern. "You look a little pale, Nayla-chan. You should let Captain check you out. Actually, as a matter of fact, he's over there at the moment."

Following his gesture to the door across the hall, she felt herself pale another shade as she glimpsed the sign that hung above it that read "Theatre 1."

"No, no, no. That's ok, I just need a little fresh air and maybe a glass of wat-"

"Oh, I insist!" Shachi grinned knowingly, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and turning her towards the door before she could get much further in her retreat.

"Really, I'm f-Penguin! Penguin, please help me!" She called out to the man as she saw him stride down the hall towards them. Though he ignored her plea and simply smiled at her as he reached the door and opened it for them.

"Trust me, you'll feel muuuch better after this." Shachi assured.

"Shachi, please don't do this." She pleaded, starting to backpedal against his marching them forward towards the door.

"Come on, Nayla-chan. You'll love it, I promise."

"No. No, no, no, no, no." She shook her head, digging her heels into the floorboards as they got too close for comfort.

"In ya go!" He pushed her into the open doorway of the unlit room.

Whirring around, she immediately tried to leave, his and Penguin's wide, toothy grins the last thing she saw as they immediately closed the door behind her.

"Pen! Shach!" She slammed her hands to its surface, trying to push it open only to find they held it shut on her. "If you love me you'll let me out!"

Hearing nothing but the metallic sound of a lock sliding into place as her reply, she growled in frustration. "You fuckers are dead to me." She hissed vehemently under her breath, taking serious contemplation of breaking the door down, beating them to death with its shattered remains and fleeing the scene befo-

Her thoughts of swift and painful vengeance were stopped in their tracks as lighting was turned on. The centre of the room suddenly flooded with brightness, the same circular, adjustable, overhead lights that hovered above the operation tables within this theatre were all focused on the same bed lying vacant in the middle of the room like a spotlight, the edges remaining shrouded in darkness.

A click of a button and the silence was soon broken by the instantly recognisable, slow, extravagantly jazzy intro of brass instruments to a song she wished she didn't know all too well.

"...Oh god, no."

A flush of heat hit her cheeks as she saw Law stride from the shadows at the back, a confident smirk in place and a playful glint to his eyes as he came to a stop in the centre of the room and stood beneath the bright beam.

His casual attire once again replaced by his smart slacks, his long, white doctor's coat which he wore buttoned up and his stethoscope hung around his neck. The only thing seemingly mismatched to his outfit was his usual furry, spotted hat sitting atop his head.

Deciding she'd rather put an end to this before it started, she licked her dry lips and tried to speak up over the volume of the music, nearing him cautiously so that he could hear her. "Law, if this is some kind of romantic gesture, I appreciate it, but no thanks. If this is some kind of-"

 _"_ _Baby take off your coat."_

The song began, his fingers reaching up to his top button and his smirk growing as her eyes fell to them.

 _"_ _Real slow."_

Blinking away from watching him begin to slowly unbutton his white coat she continued, yelling a little louder over the music. "-Some kind of prank to make me feel awkward, then don't think I'm above trying to make-"

 _"_ _And take off your shoes."_

"-TRYING TO MAKE YOU PAY FOR IT." She yelled louder, getting nearer in her annoyance as he ignored her and continued to undo the buttons of his top, revealing bare, tattooed abs as he began slipping his shoes off.

 _"_ _I'll take off your shoes."_

She looked down as he kicked them off to the side, looking back up in time to watch him allow the long, white sleeves of his coat slide over his muscled arms to fall to the floor. His defined flesh gleaming under the spotlight as his hips moved in time to the music.

 _"_ _Baby take off your dress."_

He curled an index finger at her, ushering her closer, his sly expression telling her what he wanted her to do.

"No." She refused, beginning to back away to a safer distance.

 _"_ _Yes, yes, yes."_

The song seemed to answer her for him as he pushed a thumb beneath either side of his waistband, her gaze following against her will as he began tugging his pants down, revealing a tantalising amount of forbidden flesh as his body undulated in time to the music.

 _"_ _You can leave your hat on."_

He turned around and sharply tugged the fabric forward, his tear away pants suddenly leaving him naked from the waist down. In fact, naked aside from the hat on his head and the stethoscope around his neck.

 _"_ _You can leave your hat on."_

She wasn't sure why she seemed suddenly glued in place, it wasn't as if she hadn't already seen him in all his glory many times before by now...but that perfectly toned ass of his and that sly, knowing smirk he was giving her over his shoulder as it moved teasingly in time with the music.

 _"_ _You can leave your hat on."_

He lifted a hand to his head, slowly removing his last piece of clothing, his wild, jet black locks shining brightly under the lights above as he slid it down his chest.

 _"_ _You can leave your hat on."_

Turning back to face her as he slid it down his body low enough to cover his bare manhood, he began making his way over to her, snapping her from her appreciative daze of watching his muscles in motion.

"Hey, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait!" She held her hands up and backed up to the door in futile defence as he neared her with a predatory step to his gait.

 _"_ _You can leave your hat on."_

He placed his free hand to the door beside her cheek as he closed in, her hands now touching his bare chest as he pressed his bare body to hers.

"Really? Here? Now? Like this?" She hissed up at him quietly, glancing at the door behind her warily as she thought of the other two culprits on the other side of it probably dying of laughter at her predicament.

 _"_ _You can leave your hat on."_

"We've done worse...and they're gone." He assured lowly, leaning his lips to hers to silence her next protest, sliding his tongue across them for entry and feeling some of the tension in her body melt away as their appendages melded together in an increasingly heated kiss.

Realising she could now feel both of his hands around her waist, she pulled away to look down between them when she realised his hat hadn't fallen to the floor, quickly realising why and matching his devilish grin with one of her own and a raised brow.

 _"_ _You can leave you hat on."_

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Sooo, it kinda became a two-shot I guess. This was the other song that I'd had in mind when writing the first chapter but the other song won out because it was more flexible with the lyrics.

The second April Fool's upload for my other story; "A Brush With Death" that has been retired to this story instead of deleting it entirely.


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